I kind of wish that i could write a blog about how my father divorced my mom when i was 3 and never returned. How he knew where i lived and never visited. How he knows my phone number but never calls. I would LOVE to write a blog about my dad that wasn't there BUT Sadly .... I can't!!!! This note to my father can be as blank as an unwritten blog and the empty spaces in my heart b/c ... I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.
Dear Dad:
The first word i think of when i think of you is.... EMPTY. My life has been so empty without you :( There's a quote that asks "it is better to have love and lost, or to never have loved?" and I ALWAYS respond with "better to have lost" because at least you have experienced LOVE. Same thing goes for my you dad.... I would rather have experienced you, loved you, hated you, cried about you missing my bday party, been upset b/c you got remarried.... than for me to have NEVER known you!
I think the most sickening part about never knowing you is thinking everyone IS you! Wondering if my Linguistics professor that had the same mannerisms as me was you? Questioning if the gas station attendant with my nose, is you? Every time a person tells me they know a girl that looks just like me ... i ask myself "is that my sister?". Everyday I wake up and meet new people, I'm slightly paranoid b/c that guy i met at the club, could very well be my brother! It wouldn't be so bad if i wasn't conceived in Durham BUT Durham .... Durham ... Durham is LESS than 15 minutes away from Chapel Hill ... so EVERY TIME I crossover 15-501, 54,55... the light skinned man in the car beside me ... could be YOU!
I love you Dad and the hardest part is i WANT to hate you. I want to feel some emotion towards you and blame you BUT I CAN'T!!!!!! I can't fully blame my mom b/c clearly she was 21 and did the best she could and I feel guilty EVERY TIME i bring you up in a conversation with her b/c i think that she wanted to be "enough".... enough of a mother to where I'd never feel the void of a father ... enough of a friend that i never miss being a daddy's girl ... enough of everything so i don't miss you ... but SHE CAN'T! I think it saddens she and I b/c she knows and i know ... she'll never be able to be you or replace the influence (good or bad) you would have had in my life. The void of me not knowing who you are has cost me MANY sleepless nights, wet pillows, low self esteem, and worst of ALL has made me feel the same way to God as i feel toward you at times .... NOTHING!
Confession: A lot of people ask me "Why am i still a virgin/why am i waiting til marriage" and they assume it's b/c of religious reasons ... but the reality of it all is: I AM SCARED!!!!!!! I'm scared I'll do exactly what my mom did and end up pregnant and my child grow up not knowing it's father..... so i say no 2 sex b/c that's the ONLY way for me NOT to end up continuing this cycle.
One day I'm going to find you Daddy! Once I have money to pay for an investigator, DNA test and all that good stuff! I promise I'll find you dad BUT you gotta promise me that when i do ... you hold me for all the times i wanted a hug from you, kiss me until all my trust in man has been restored, cry with me, celebrate who I am, NEVER make me feel like i "ruined" whatever family you have now, and lastly, LOVE ME...
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Consecration 1/2 way mark
sooooooooo I never expected for Consecration to be "easy" b/c nothing about telling your natural urges is "easy" HOWEVER I expected to last a little longer :(
I did good up until Thurs .... I ate at a drive-thru, worked the door @ a club on Sat night and went to a different club on Sun. night and I feel AWFUL!!!!! I wasn't reading my Bible daily, only praying twice (instead of 3) times a week... I need to SADDLE UP so I don't miss my BLESSING!!!!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Consecration 2011
First of all, I am SOOOO excited about what God is going to do for EVERYONE during this consecration!!!! I have a prayer list and I am expected God to fulfil ALL the desires of my heart
Consecrate = to make or declare something sacred, to dedicate formally to a religious or Divine purpose.
Fasting = abstention from food, or some types of food, especially as an act of religious observance
Prayer = address to God: a spoken or unspoken address to God.
1) We should consecrate, fast and pray because Jesus did it. Jesus went 40 days without food! (Matt 4:1-3)
p.s. Moses (Exodus 24:18 & 34:28), Elijah (1 Kings 19:8) also did 40 day fasts.
So basically I'm fasting for the 1st 36 days days of the year (Jan.2 - Feb 6th) as a tithe to God saying, I'm turning down my plate, bad behaviors, etc as a sacrifice knowing that the other 335 days will be BLESSED!
Things to fast from: sexual activity, porn, smoking, alcohol, fast food, secular music, meat, cursing, lying, caffeine, coffee, sodas, sweets, twitter, facebook, and pretty much anything that you are addicted too!
-I'm not saying fast from all these things BUT let's say you are an addict of porn ... fast from it for 36 days and pray/believe that that addiction leaves you and it will! So not everybody is fasting from the same things ... I tailored my fast to help me overcome my addictions:
Sade's Consecration:
No:
1)Fast Food (I won't eat anywhere that has a drive thru)
2) Soda (only drinking water and juice)
3) secular music (only listening to gospel)
4) sexual activity, lying, cursing, smoking are all a given for me!
Yes:
1) Praying 3 times a day
2) Reading my Bible at least once, daily
3) work-out at least once a week
*** So I'm denying myself of the No's and filling myself spiritually with the Yes's and then placing a prayer request list before God to come in and move on my situations during the consecration***
Prayer Request:
1) graduation : issuing me with all the strengthen i need to complete my mission @ UNC-Ch
2) Becoming a better person: Forgiveness, no Lying, no deceit, not being selfish, sharing more, complimenting people more, judging people less, picking on people just because
3) God shows me what's my next move after i graduate, what state/city i should move too
4) God shows me what ministry to join at WOCC (I've been going there for 4 years and still haven't used my talents for the church and i want to be lead as to which area of ministry i should join)
5) speaking in tongues (I've been wanting to do this since i was 15 ... it's a language that the enemy cannot decipher... it's like a special language between me & God)
6) God helping my mother during her divorce and restoring the mental health of my mom, brother, and sister post the divorce!
7) God just blessing my family members!
*** so as stated, I'll be praying 3 times a day of these things but feel free to post your prayer request as a comment and I'll add that to my list of things to pray for for you!***
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
" i just called to say... I LOVE YOU"
Love... such a heavy word that i was write and write and write and write about lol
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Day 24 ... Dear Mama - part 1
Day 24- A letter to your parents
****This blog made me dig WAAAAAAY within to figure out exactly what i wanted to say and how*****
I decided to break this blog down into 4 parts to each of my 4 'parents': my mom, my grandma, my biological father, my step father.
Dear Mama:
First of all, Thank You! Thank You for making the decision to keep me... you were 20 years old and just beginning life and you chose my life over pursuing you own personal hopes and dreams! Thank You for not holding that against me and not reminding me everyday of the sacrifices you made to keep me :)
Second, I'm sorry! You paid for me to go to acting/dance/art classes and I disappointed you by wrecking my chance at acting .... :( We could have been rich right now, if i would have gone w/ Maya A. rather than Barney :( Though you'd probably never admit it, i know that I've disappointed you and haven't lived up to the standards that you raised me to live by and i apologize. I should have graduated by now and I'm sorry that you aren't able to tell people your daughter graduated from UNC-Ch ... I'm working on it mom! Sadly, it probably won't be on mother's day like i had imagined, it'll probably be December BUT I'm sure that won't matter lol just that i finally have the degree!
"Forrest Gump mama said, life is like a box of chocolates, My mama told me go to school, get your doctorate, Something to fall back on, you could profit with, But still supported me when I did the opposite" - Kanye
Third, I Love You! I Love You more than life itself and i know i don't tell you as much as i should BUT I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You taught my perseverance - I remember seeing you work 2 and 3 jobs to make ends meet. You taught me how to make it through a struggle - i didn't know we were poor when we ate mayo between 2 crackers... BUT i now know how to struggle and make the best of it! My favorite thing you taught me was personality... I'm sarcastic, because of you! I'm funny, because of you! I'm full of personality, because of you! I love you for everything you are, for everything you aren't and for everything you made me!
Lastly, of course there are things about both of us, memories we have made that haven't been so good BUT what's most important is that we're in this together!!!!!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Day 23 outta 30 ... cravings
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot (so i just did 10 things)
1) Love ... I honestly just want 1 person in particular to love me again (the way they used to love me) and I'd do ANY & EVERYTHING I can to show them that I just want their love! They feel like I'd treat them like crap BUT I won't ... I just want to be loved again!
2) Attention ... Who doesn't like to be in the spotlight?
3) Cream Soda ... it's soooo yummy! (p.s. I HATE root beer)
4) Birthday Cake Flavored Ice Cream (Edy's and Marvel make it) ... it will change ur life!
5) Sushi .... I could eat at Shiki and Kanki ... daily!
6) Taco bell .... it's my Fav fast food restaurant
7) Chicken n Dumplings .... I rarely get this (unless i eat @ mama dips .... NO ONE makes it anymore :( )
8) Naja and Matthias ... I LOVE them soooo much and I feel 10 times closer to my cousin when I see their smile, eyes, mannerisms, etc
9) Money ... Money to be made ... bets believe Sade got it!
10) Acceptance ... i just want to be accepted for who i am and who I'm not ... all my shortcomings and all my highlights
Day 22 of 30
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
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