Day 24 .. part 2: O' Father Where Art Thou....Dear Daddy

I kind of wish that i could write a blog about how my father divorced my mom when i was 3 and never returned.  How he knew where i lived and never visited.  How he knows my phone number but never calls.  I would LOVE to write a blog about my dad that wasn't there BUT Sadly .... I can't!!!! This note to my father can be as blank as an unwritten blog and the empty spaces in my heart b/c ... I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

Dear Dad:

The first word i think of when i think of you is.... EMPTY.  My life has been so empty without you :( There's a quote that asks "it is better to have love and lost, or to never have loved?" and I ALWAYS respond with "better to have lost" because at least you have experienced LOVE.  Same thing goes for my you dad.... I would rather have experienced you, loved you, hated you, cried about you missing my bday party, been upset b/c you got remarried.... than for me to have NEVER known you!

I think the most sickening part about never knowing you is thinking everyone IS you!  Wondering if my Linguistics professor that had the same mannerisms as me was you?  Questioning if the gas station attendant with my nose, is you?  Every time a person tells me they know a girl that looks just like me ... i ask myself "is that my sister?".  Everyday I wake up and meet new people, I'm slightly paranoid b/c that guy i met at the club, could very well be my brother!  It wouldn't be so bad if i wasn't conceived in Durham BUT Durham .... Durham ... Durham is LESS than 15 minutes away from Chapel Hill ... so EVERY TIME I crossover 15-501, 54,55... the light skinned man in the car beside me ... could be YOU!

I love you Dad and the hardest part is i WANT to hate you.  I want to feel some emotion towards you and blame you BUT I CAN'T!!!!!! I can't fully blame my mom b/c clearly she was 21 and did the best she could and I feel guilty EVERY TIME i bring you up in a conversation with her b/c i think that she wanted to be "enough".... enough of a mother to where I'd never feel the void of a father ... enough of a friend that i never miss being a daddy's girl ... enough of everything so i don't miss you ... but SHE CAN'T!  I think it saddens she and I b/c she knows and i know ... she'll never be able to be you or replace the influence (good or bad) you would have had in my life.  The void of me not knowing who you are has cost me MANY sleepless nights, wet pillows, low self esteem, and worst of ALL has made me feel the same way to God as i feel toward you at times .... NOTHING!

Confession:  A lot of people ask me "Why am i still a virgin/why am i waiting til marriage" and they assume it's b/c of religious reasons ... but the reality of it all is: I AM SCARED!!!!!!! I'm scared I'll do exactly what my mom did and end up pregnant and my child grow up not knowing it's father..... so i say no 2 sex b/c that's the ONLY way for me NOT to end up continuing this cycle.

One day I'm going to find you Daddy!  Once I have money to pay for an investigator, DNA test and all that good stuff!  I promise I'll find you dad BUT you gotta promise me that when i do ... you hold me for all the times i wanted a hug from you, kiss me until all my trust in man has been restored, cry with me, celebrate who I am, NEVER make me feel like i "ruined" whatever family you have now, and lastly, LOVE ME...