So at 12am, I turn 24 yours old!
Tonight really does begin a new chapter in my life. I think the Lord is telling me that this will be a year of "firsts":
1) my FIRST time celebrating my birthday away from family/friends
2) my FIRST b-day not being able to go visit my cousin's grave (weird, I know BUT it gives me peace & makes me feel like we still get to celebrate together... don't judge me)
3) my FIRST time spending my birthday is a different time zone
This is ALL new to me! Part of me is excited because it is a new leaf BUT the other part of me is scared.
Scared of what is to come, what is my future?
Will I have to spend another birthday alone?
Will I EVER come to grips with losing my cousin?
Will I ever be able to forgive my step-dad?
I'm just a big ball of questions these days HOWEVER I know 2 things to be TRUE:
1) With older age should come growth & maturity and I'm going to take this time alone to really evaluate myself and my life so far. Some of my past/present vices, demons, qualms, hiccups, etc need to pass away. I think most of them I'll probably battle inwardly throughout life BUT others' are just my fleshly desires and honestly, sins that I like committing (don't judge me).
2) The Lord loves me and wants what's best for me. I saw a status from Sarah that said, "
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Compilations of my heart
Well since I've been in my feelings lately, might as well let y'all know what I've been listening too that's been keeping me there ... NOW before you play ANY of these songs LOL know that they put/keep me in my feelings SOOOO unless you're good as staying out of yours ... you should leave this blog... NOW lol
1st is Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith cover of "Thinking about you" ---
"People just say live in the moment, don't be scared.....Everyday that I don't see you, you're slipping away"
Anyway, I LOVE the original version & I also LOVE Bridgette Kelly version w/ Frank Ocean, you should yo youtube those...NOW
"Tell you I love you everyday and that'll never stop, They say that it's true love, but is love true? Yea I think it's love, that's why I found you"
.... This song is a PROBLEM!
2nd
Drake "Doing it Wrong"
"So cry if you need to, but I can't stay to watch you, that's the wrong thing to do
Touch if you need to, but I can't stay to hold you, that's the wrong thing to do
Talk if you need to but I can't stay to hear you, that's the wrong thing to do
cuz you'll say you love me and I'll end up lying & say I love you too"
Ummmmm we all try to be the "good girl/guy" or the "Captain save a hoe" but the things is ... in the end "it's the wrong thing to do" b/c all we're really doing and giving the person hope and making them think there is a future between ya'll when that may not be reality. So, going back to my poem from yesterday....Quit sending mixed messages, if you're done w/ a person- LET THEM GO so that they can LET YOU GO & MOVE on w/ their life.
The wrong things to do:
-Send text saying you miss/love them, wish things could be different, etc ...
-E-mail poems, electronic cards, etc ....
-Call them to ask how they are doing & leave a voicemail
You think you're making it better BUT honestly, you're causing them more pain & it makes it harder to let u go #thatisall
3rd:
Beyonce "I'd rather go blind" - #1 You need to see Cadillac records to fully understand the pain in this song.
#2 I can't think of stronger lyrics than "I'd rather be blind than to see you walk away from me", I feel like you can ONLY write lyrics like that IF you fully understand how you can love someone SOOO much and for SOOO long, that you don't even think you can ever see ANYONE, ANYTHING, ANY other person the same w/out them ... essentially leaving you BLIND!
"I love you so much that I don't want to watch you leave me, MOST OF ALL I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE FREE" --- "want to be free"???? this implies that you are CHOOSING to stay in bondage, entangled, in love .... WOW!
I'm not a psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, etc. But I am human and I understand Love. I understand what happens when you love someone & they don't love you back, anymore.... It can drive you insane!
Words from my heart
I loved you more
More than life
Deeper than the ocean
I loved you wholly
I was confused but I still loved no one but you
you entangled me,
made me compliant,
I was forced to bend to your will.
You made me fall in love with you
....
Then you left
Left me emotionally vulnerable
I can't love anyone else b/c I'm STILL too busy loving you
You made me dependent on "us"
then you abandoned "us"
.....
Now I'm nothing
I hear from you sporadically, always on your time
I hear from you when you NEED something, or god forbid you need me
....
and what do I do?
....
I'm still waiting 4 you to love me again
Still standing here waiting for you
Waiting for Sade
Hoping that this impressionable young girl will eventually bloom
Waiting for you
Waiting for LOVE
....
The kind of Love that can save me from loving you
The kind of Love that can heal me from missing you
The kind of Love that can make me forget you
....
Looking for Love in all the wrong places ...
b/c if I'm honest w/ myself, I'm still
Looking for YOU!
More than life
Deeper than the ocean
I loved you wholly
I was confused but I still loved no one but you
you entangled me,
made me compliant,
I was forced to bend to your will.
You made me fall in love with you
....
Then you left
Left me emotionally vulnerable
I can't love anyone else b/c I'm STILL too busy loving you
You made me dependent on "us"
then you abandoned "us"
.....
Now I'm nothing
I hear from you sporadically, always on your time
I hear from you when you NEED something, or god forbid you need me
....
and what do I do?
....
I'm still waiting 4 you to love me again
Still standing here waiting for you
Waiting for Sade
Hoping that this impressionable young girl will eventually bloom
Waiting for you
Waiting for LOVE
....
The kind of Love that can save me from loving you
The kind of Love that can heal me from missing you
The kind of Love that can make me forget you
....
Looking for Love in all the wrong places ...
b/c if I'm honest w/ myself, I'm still
Looking for YOU!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The Deal
I sat here lamenting b/c I'm not going to be able to be in NC for my birthday (Nov 23rd) and Thanksgiving :( I've NEVER spent a birthday away from my family & friends and I'm going through A LOT of separation anxiety. Having a birthday dinner ALONE, makes me feel lonely.....
THEN I snapped out of it!
I reflected on where I was my last birthday. I had my "Jordan Year (23)" and had NOTHING to show for it. No degree, no "real" job, living paycheck to paycheck, drinking to soothe my pains, and praying that I could live a better life. Praying that I could be a better person and provide for my family.
THEN I was presented with an opportunity...
To go on a quest, like the greek and roman gods, a quest to become who I'm supposed to be. Leaving my sheltered world and meeting new people, seeing new places, & finding Sade.
I took the opportunity
Opportunity Cost: (I hated Econ 101 BUT I remember this lesson vividly) "The opportunity cost is also the cost of the forgone products after making a choice. Opportunity cost is a key concept in economics, and has been described as expressing "the basic relationship between scarcity and choice".The notion of opportunity cost plays a crucial part in ensuring that scarce resources are used efficiently.Thus, opportunity costs are not restricted to monetary or financial costs: the real cost of output forgone, lost time, pleasure or any other benefit that provides utility should also be considered opportunity costs" (Wikipedia).
What does it all really mean?
I begged God to change me and change my situation. He did! I accepted His blessing. I'm not doing "great" by any means BUT I'm networking, growing my financial portfolio,& expanding my resume. So I'm doing BETTER than I was a year ago.
He did His part BUT with blessings comes growth & maturity. And there is ALWAYS a price to pay. I accepted this price when I took "The Deal" BUT living with it is totally different.
Anyway, I wrote this blog to let ya'll know, I am NO LONGER going to lament about not being in NC for my bday, Thanksgiving or anything else. I'm where I'm supposed to be, ALONE. On a journey to the depths of Sade. I miss ya'll & I know ya'll miss me BUT what I'm gaining out here is far more than what NC had to offer me- I'm growing up!
THEN I snapped out of it!
I reflected on where I was my last birthday. I had my "Jordan Year (23)" and had NOTHING to show for it. No degree, no "real" job, living paycheck to paycheck, drinking to soothe my pains, and praying that I could live a better life. Praying that I could be a better person and provide for my family.
THEN I was presented with an opportunity...
To go on a quest, like the greek and roman gods, a quest to become who I'm supposed to be. Leaving my sheltered world and meeting new people, seeing new places, & finding Sade.
I took the opportunity
Opportunity Cost: (I hated Econ 101 BUT I remember this lesson vividly) "The opportunity cost is also the cost of the forgone products after making a choice. Opportunity cost is a key concept in economics, and has been described as expressing "the basic relationship between scarcity and choice".The notion of opportunity cost plays a crucial part in ensuring that scarce resources are used efficiently.Thus, opportunity costs are not restricted to monetary or financial costs: the real cost of output forgone, lost time, pleasure or any other benefit that provides utility should also be considered opportunity costs" (Wikipedia).
What does it all really mean?
I begged God to change me and change my situation. He did! I accepted His blessing. I'm not doing "great" by any means BUT I'm networking, growing my financial portfolio,& expanding my resume. So I'm doing BETTER than I was a year ago.
He did His part BUT with blessings comes growth & maturity. And there is ALWAYS a price to pay. I accepted this price when I took "The Deal" BUT living with it is totally different.
Anyway, I wrote this blog to let ya'll know, I am NO LONGER going to lament about not being in NC for my bday, Thanksgiving or anything else. I'm where I'm supposed to be, ALONE. On a journey to the depths of Sade. I miss ya'll & I know ya'll miss me BUT what I'm gaining out here is far more than what NC had to offer me- I'm growing up!
Live.
Greetings,
Normally, I like to keep my blog fun & entertaining while sending y'all some life lessons that I've learned HOWEVER, today I'm going to be more on the serious side. Today's topic is about the GREATEST gift that God gives us, LIFE!
April 8, 2007:
Less than a month ago, I buried my bday twin/cousin. Less than 2 weeks prior, I buried my great-grandmother. This day, the day our savior rose from the grave- I no longer wanted to live. I had borrowed someones car & then locked the keys in the car. Couldn't get a tow truck, campus police, carrboro police to open the door b/c it was Easter and the police "can't do it" because there was no imminent danger to a child. The car was stolen.
April 9, 2007:
My purse was in the car, my wallet, my books for school, my life. The other person's papers for work and class. I remember walking around the corner where I left the car parked and seeing.... NOTHING but shattered glass on the ground. I lost my breath!
My grades were slipping, my cousin was gone, my great-grandmother was gone, my identity (wallet, purse, etc) was stolen. More importantly, I could NEVER get that person's car back .... and it was my fault.
I was dropped off at Hinton James North, I was crying, I couldn't see out my own eyes. The weight of the world was upon on 19 year old shoulders & the weight became unbearable...
I considered my options silently. Would I buy a gun on Franklin street and shoot myself? Nah, I might end up in jail
Would I hang myself from my bed? Nah, I'm short but I'm not THAT short
I needed something to take the pain away.
I walked into Hinton James North, with all intentions of never walking out...
I got to my room. My suite mate tried to console me .... I told her to get out of my room & she left.
I took pills as I wrote a letter to the ones I loved the most. I understood that I was about to commit was a sin BUT I didn't care. I needed to tell my story, I needed to apologize b/c the car getting stolen was my fault. I needed to provide my mom with the answer to "why"...
I got to pill #4, I was drowsy... the room was spinning... everything was unclear.
I went to my suites mates room and sat down on the futon as she folded her laundry.
*I remember bits and pieces of the rest*
I woke up with needles in my arms, doctors talking, my mother crying and my step father in the room. They wanted to commit me to psych ward. My mom begged them to let her take me home. They refused. I was put in a wheel chair & wheeled down a white hallway, my mom signing papers & crying. I remember feeling sad.
April 10, 2007:
I woke up! They didn't have room on the psych ward, so they put me on the eating disorder floor. I woke up to anorexic girls that knew that I CLEARLY wasn't there for the same reason they were. My suite mate bought my clothes to the hospital.
I spent 3 days and 2 nights of my life on suicide watch. Supervised showers, no shoe strings in my timberland boots, all visiotrs had to have a code-word, nurses checked my vitals in the middle of the night, being pumped with anti-depressants, nurses made sure u swallowed your meds. I was crazy!
It was in those 3 days my life changed, FOREVER.
I wanted to feel the sun in the spring, I wanted to touch the plants, I wanted to shower w/out being watched, I didn't want to HAVE to have "art time", "TV time", "quiet time", "group time" etc.
I wrote this blog b/c suicide is real. I could have died that day in HJ North. Shoot, I wanted to die that day in HJ North. Someone that I know is struggling with wanting to live. I am sharing my story in hopes that it will save you!
I got my first tattoo b/c to me it represents Jesus dying and God raising him from the dead i.e. Easter. I was as good as dead & God bought me back to life.
Cherish your life. It gets hard, but enjoy the gift. Smell the flowers, play in the snow, dance in the rain, feel life's highs & lows ... you're human and more importantly you're LIVING.
Live.Laugh.Love
- Uniqua
Normally, I like to keep my blog fun & entertaining while sending y'all some life lessons that I've learned HOWEVER, today I'm going to be more on the serious side. Today's topic is about the GREATEST gift that God gives us, LIFE!
April 8, 2007:
Less than a month ago, I buried my bday twin/cousin. Less than 2 weeks prior, I buried my great-grandmother. This day, the day our savior rose from the grave- I no longer wanted to live. I had borrowed someones car & then locked the keys in the car. Couldn't get a tow truck, campus police, carrboro police to open the door b/c it was Easter and the police "can't do it" because there was no imminent danger to a child. The car was stolen.
April 9, 2007:
My purse was in the car, my wallet, my books for school, my life. The other person's papers for work and class. I remember walking around the corner where I left the car parked and seeing.... NOTHING but shattered glass on the ground. I lost my breath!
My grades were slipping, my cousin was gone, my great-grandmother was gone, my identity (wallet, purse, etc) was stolen. More importantly, I could NEVER get that person's car back .... and it was my fault.
I was dropped off at Hinton James North, I was crying, I couldn't see out my own eyes. The weight of the world was upon on 19 year old shoulders & the weight became unbearable...
I considered my options silently. Would I buy a gun on Franklin street and shoot myself? Nah, I might end up in jail
Would I hang myself from my bed? Nah, I'm short but I'm not THAT short
I needed something to take the pain away.
I walked into Hinton James North, with all intentions of never walking out...
I got to my room. My suite mate tried to console me .... I told her to get out of my room & she left.
I took pills as I wrote a letter to the ones I loved the most. I understood that I was about to commit was a sin BUT I didn't care. I needed to tell my story, I needed to apologize b/c the car getting stolen was my fault. I needed to provide my mom with the answer to "why"...
I got to pill #4, I was drowsy... the room was spinning... everything was unclear.
I went to my suites mates room and sat down on the futon as she folded her laundry.
*I remember bits and pieces of the rest*
I woke up with needles in my arms, doctors talking, my mother crying and my step father in the room. They wanted to commit me to psych ward. My mom begged them to let her take me home. They refused. I was put in a wheel chair & wheeled down a white hallway, my mom signing papers & crying. I remember feeling sad.
April 10, 2007:
I woke up! They didn't have room on the psych ward, so they put me on the eating disorder floor. I woke up to anorexic girls that knew that I CLEARLY wasn't there for the same reason they were. My suite mate bought my clothes to the hospital.
I spent 3 days and 2 nights of my life on suicide watch. Supervised showers, no shoe strings in my timberland boots, all visiotrs had to have a code-word, nurses checked my vitals in the middle of the night, being pumped with anti-depressants, nurses made sure u swallowed your meds. I was crazy!
It was in those 3 days my life changed, FOREVER.
I wanted to feel the sun in the spring, I wanted to touch the plants, I wanted to shower w/out being watched, I didn't want to HAVE to have "art time", "TV time", "quiet time", "group time" etc.
I wrote this blog b/c suicide is real. I could have died that day in HJ North. Shoot, I wanted to die that day in HJ North. Someone that I know is struggling with wanting to live. I am sharing my story in hopes that it will save you!
I got my first tattoo b/c to me it represents Jesus dying and God raising him from the dead i.e. Easter. I was as good as dead & God bought me back to life.
Cherish your life. It gets hard, but enjoy the gift. Smell the flowers, play in the snow, dance in the rain, feel life's highs & lows ... you're human and more importantly you're LIVING.
Live.Laugh.Love
- Uniqua
Friday, November 4, 2011
Eat. Pray. Love. Updates
Hello, hello, hello, hello, black America
Just wanted to update ya'll on my life, since I have been forsaking ya'll. I've been working HARD in these streets but I did miss ya'll. I haven't been home since July and I miss EVERYBODY.... like for real, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm still working out logistics BUT right now I probably won't be back in NC until Dec :( Anyways, I came out here 2 the mid-west to Eat, Pray & Love soooo imma update ya'll
Eat:
Yo, Chicago is AMAZINGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! I've had Thai food for the first time (DELICIOUS), REAL Chicago pizza (which puts pizza hut, papa johns, etc, to SHAME), I ate at Famous Dave's (bruh competed on Food Nework & ya'll know i <3 food network), They have Gryos on EVERY corner! I had a Gyro cheeseburger for the first time .... YUMO! The only thing I haven't branched out to try yet isssss "Italian Beef" <<< yo it's WET MEAT/BREAD .... reminds me of Quizno's (which I don't eat) ... they dunk a sandwich in wetness and something about eating soggy bread w/ wet meat doesn't sounds delicious!!!!! Needless to say, I've been eating good!!!!
Pray:
Yea........ not so much! SMH ... I'm sure God hitting me w/ the -____- . Anyway, I left everything I loved to find Sade. I'm supposed to be seeking after God so that He can show me, ME. I forgot that :( Soooo I've been doing better lately, reading self-help books and praying so that I can become a better person. For those that don't know I'm currently reading "Yesterday, I cried" by Iyanla Vanzant .... GREAT book. I'm on Chapter 7 so I'm about 1/2 way done but overall, I LOVE IT! It has been awhile since I've cried BUT I remember when I cried EVERYDAY. I remember not knowing how I was going to pay my bills, eat, get gas, etc. I recall what sadness felt like and this book is helping we explore my emotional side :) So, yes, I fell off with focusing on my relationship with God BUT I promise ya'll I'm getting back on track :)
Love:
......................................................... lol, ya'll KNOW how I feel about my personal life lol I like to keep it PERSONAL. What I will say is that I've met some AMAZING people in Chicago! I've taken every person that I've met as a life professor and they've really helped me learn! I'm opening to people, I'm allowing people fully & totally in my life/heart and it is a great feeling to be loved back ;) So I'll suffice it so say.... I have the "Love" part down-packed!
Iight, Well that's all I got right now! I hope everyone else is doing well, chasing ya dreams so that they can become a reality! I <3 ya'll and I PROMISE not to take this long to blog again :)
<3
Just wanted to update ya'll on my life, since I have been forsaking ya'll. I've been working HARD in these streets but I did miss ya'll. I haven't been home since July and I miss EVERYBODY.... like for real, EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm still working out logistics BUT right now I probably won't be back in NC until Dec :( Anyways, I came out here 2 the mid-west to Eat, Pray & Love soooo imma update ya'll
Eat:
Yo, Chicago is AMAZINGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!! I've had Thai food for the first time (DELICIOUS), REAL Chicago pizza (which puts pizza hut, papa johns, etc, to SHAME), I ate at Famous Dave's (bruh competed on Food Nework & ya'll know i <3 food network), They have Gryos on EVERY corner! I had a Gyro cheeseburger for the first time .... YUMO! The only thing I haven't branched out to try yet isssss "Italian Beef" <<< yo it's WET MEAT/BREAD .... reminds me of Quizno's (which I don't eat) ... they dunk a sandwich in wetness and something about eating soggy bread w/ wet meat doesn't sounds delicious!!!!! Needless to say, I've been eating good!!!!
Pray:
Yea........ not so much! SMH ... I'm sure God hitting me w/ the -____- . Anyway, I left everything I loved to find Sade. I'm supposed to be seeking after God so that He can show me, ME. I forgot that :( Soooo I've been doing better lately, reading self-help books and praying so that I can become a better person. For those that don't know I'm currently reading "Yesterday, I cried" by Iyanla Vanzant .... GREAT book. I'm on Chapter 7 so I'm about 1/2 way done but overall, I LOVE IT! It has been awhile since I've cried BUT I remember when I cried EVERYDAY. I remember not knowing how I was going to pay my bills, eat, get gas, etc. I recall what sadness felt like and this book is helping we explore my emotional side :) So, yes, I fell off with focusing on my relationship with God BUT I promise ya'll I'm getting back on track :)
Love:
......................................................... lol, ya'll KNOW how I feel about my personal life lol I like to keep it PERSONAL. What I will say is that I've met some AMAZING people in Chicago! I've taken every person that I've met as a life professor and they've really helped me learn! I'm opening to people, I'm allowing people fully & totally in my life/heart and it is a great feeling to be loved back ;) So I'll suffice it so say.... I have the "Love" part down-packed!
Iight, Well that's all I got right now! I hope everyone else is doing well, chasing ya dreams so that they can become a reality! I <3 ya'll and I PROMISE not to take this long to blog again :)
<3
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