Let it BURN

My friends often criticize me b/c they say I "burn bridges" too much and too often... (which lowkey I agree smh and the worst part about me burning bridges is that, I often have the cross that bridge VERY SOON after i burn it ... SMH) 

I had a bury a relative this last weekend and after seeing how cancer can literally eat you alive, I realized death (burning) can sometimes be positive! Chemo's job is to come in a BURN away cancer cells ....

So after much introspection, before I embark on my new quest (note my last blog), i realized there are some people, things, thoughts, ideas that I MUST burn before I can truly be come better and healthier.  

I think Usher said it best:

Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
You know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn

So this blog is dedicated to you,

I love you, I've loved you more than life itself and a while ago we decided we should part ways but I NEVER truly let go. I fell in love with you (and I didn't even know it) I literally woke up one day and decided I didn't want to live without in my life!  I decided your joy, happiness, wants were more important than mine EVEN after you told/showed/texted/e-mailed that you didn't love me "like that" anymore.  I STILL HELD ON to the hope of your being back in love with me one day!  I would give up my friends, family and my literal life to spend time with you for a millisecond.  You RULED my emotions with an iron fist.  NOONE's words carried more weight than yours.  I gave you ALL the control in my life and i didn't even realize it.... you are CANCER!  You came in like a thief in the night and took over my life with no questions asked HOWEVER today, June 9, 2011, I'm taking control back!

I WILL NOT jump over couches, bend over backwards, jump through hoops to get to my phone when i hear your ringtone!

I WILL NOT place your request on a higerh level than anyone elses!

I WILL NOT go an emotional roller coaster because you didn't respond to my e-mail/text/calls in the manor I wanted you too

I WILL NOT cry because i don't "feel" like you love me

I love you enough to let you GO.  There's no love lost BUT I can't fulfil my destiny while I have cancer sooo I'm letting God (and a good number/text blocker app from droid) be your CHEMO ;) until I can learn to stand on my own 2 feet.  Until I realize i no longer NEED/Long for your approval! You are now dismissed out of my life until further notice...

Girl, understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn...

Fast Pray.... Leave

I saw Eat Pray Love recently and towards the end, Ms.Gilbert said the quote below...

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house, to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared - most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself....then truth will not be withheld from you."

This quote resonated with me for 1 reason ...

I NEED A CHANGE & I know 1 is looming

I'm on a quest to become a better person, a quest to fulfil my dreams, a quest to help humanity & my family sooo

Instead of Eating, I'll be FASTING ... I'm trying to Hear directly from the Lord which is why I'll be

PRAYING about which direction He wants me to go in, and once He tells me a direction, I'll be LEAVING......

Why Aren't You Following Me?

You log on Twitter and you're likely to see "Why aren't you following me?"

Why?

Everybody wants you to be #teamFollowBack 

Why?

B/c they find it disrespectful if they follow you and you don't follow them back

Why?

B/c when you follow someone you can READ their thoughts, feelings, fav lyrics, know where they are, etc ... following them gives you INSIGHT into their life

So 

you not following them is equivalent to saying "I don't know (don't want to know) who you are" soooo WHY would I follow you back?

I asked all those questions to ask ... Who do you "claim" to follow in real life? Jesus?

I was on youtube because "The shepherd song" (listen to the song below if you don't know it) came in my spirit and I found 3 adults singing it and A LOT of youth choir's singing it and I was PERPLEXED b/c yes it's TRADITIONAL for the young ones to sing this song however the LYRICS are more applicable to the GROWN folks....

You say that He's the master of you're fate, captain of your soul BUT do you ACTUALLY follow Him?

Does He actually come first in your life?

The 2nd verse lyrics says:

 "I told my sheep to love one another,
even your enemies too;
but you have love for only those
who have that love for you.
And you say I am your shepherd;
why aren't you following me?"

When I heard it I immediately was convicted.  So I asked myself am I REALLY following Jesus?

Do I read His Timeline for my life hourly (Bible)? No

Do I listen to His fav songs on repeat (Gospel)? No

Do I come eat to His FAV restaurant as much as possible (Church)?No

He probably finds that VERY disrespectful ... He sends His angels DAILY out to follow me and monitor my every move and protect me ... and ALL He wants is for me to join #TeamFollowBack ....

Trust me when I tell you that I'm preaching to myself and I hope this causes my readers to take introspection as well ... 

If we say that He is our Shepherd.... Why aren't we following Him?

"I ain't too proud to beg"

Soooo I'm going to tell ya'll what's going on in HOPES that me talking thru a positive method like blogging will help me hold on to what little sanity I have left!  I've been trying to handle this UNC business on my own strength BUT i'm at my whits END...

I owed UNC $1300 and I paid it down to $280

I federally defaulted on a loan (b/c the paper was being mailed to the wrong address) so I owe $1,880 on that in order to be able to go to school in the USA (b/c it's a Federal matter)

I have to pay for my own credit hours (b/c I'm not meeting the GPA requirements ... b/c they are taking into account my WHOLE tenure at UNC-Ch .... I've been here 6.5 years -_-) which are $200 per credit hour in the summer (cc: http://summer.unc.edu/faqs ) so a full 2nd session = $1200 

... *I'm not even gonna get into the cost of the fall*

So all that adds up to = $3360 ... anybody have Oprah on speed-dial so she can sponsor my education for a summer/year?

I've applied to several scholarships at

( http://www.fastweb.com/college-scholarships/scholarships?page=2 )

I applied to the Student Emergency Fund at UNC (and they denied me 0_o ) ... which to me is kind of a slap in the face since I've raised over $90,000 for this GREAT university .... but who am I ?

I applied to private loans BUT my credit + lack of a full-time/salary job has ended in DENIAL

What's the point of this blog?

a) to vent my frustration 

b) So you can tell your rich/wealthy/royal/ friends and family!!!!!!!!!! 

(it's a shot in the dark BUT i rather tell the world and NO ONE respond than to tell NO ONE and this stress eat me alive)

Why do I think I'm a good investment?

1) I already have a SALARY job lined up for post-graduation soooo i can def  pay it back after a year +

2) I'm on 30 hours away from graduation aka 2 semesters (i'm SOOOOO close BUT YET sooo FAR)

3) There's NOTHING that I want more ... I BLEED Carolina blue, I've been a Tarheel from BIRTH (see pics below)

4) I'm a REALLY hard worker I'm getting at least 30 hours a week at my job and I have no problem picking up a side hustle (like babysitting) while working towards my degree. 

Soooo if you have ANY ideas/avenues/people/foundations/scholarships/grant people you think I NEED to contact to get some help OR if you know someone (who's looking for a tax write off) and they just need my paperwork etc,  i can get you ANYTHING you need ... PLEASE comment, e-mail me (uniqsade@email.unc.edu), call me, text me, smoke signal me ... i'm down for ALL legal options b/c this degree will mean SOOOO much for me and my future!

 

My Eyes Upon the DISTANT shore...

This last Sunday I visited my cousin in Greensboro and when in Greensboro, i make it my duty to go visit/hear Apostle/Prophet/Dr/Pastor/Kevin Williams :) One thing I can say about this man of God is that he ALWAYS has a word that is IN SEASON for my life. So I'm just going to share with ya'll a couple things he said/preached that were applicable to my life in hopes that something will bless you too :)

He began by talking about vision.

Habakkuk 2:2 And the LORD answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it.

Dr. Williams said "A life that DOES NOT have VISION, becomes RECKLESS and UNSUCCESSFUL"

A vision is designed to keep you (me) in a boundary; to keep you (me) in check!

What does this mean for me? 

I often used to say I'm going to have a "Reckless summer", "Reckless night", "Reckless party" and i often LIKE to participate in "Reckless activities".  As soon as this sentence left Dr.Williams mouth... i was CONVICTED.  <<<< THIS might explain why i've done sooooo poorly in some classes at UNC; I didn't follow the vision (syllabus)  i came/went to class when i felt like it (Reckless) and then got a D when I needed a C (Unsuccess...FUL)!

See, I've been crying all weekend wondering WHY i am still in undergrad when so many of my peers have moved on, graduated, working on masters, doctorates etc and i'm STILL in Israel (college)??????

Prophet Kevin Williams also stated "You can't HOPE into success, you have to PLAN"

So here's my plan:

1) I'm putting up motivational quotes ALL over my room, my bed, AND my ceiling so that i don't get distracted by tv, twitter, facebook etc... the FIRST thing i'll see in the morning is a reminder of my goal!

2) Realizing my weaknesses: (I was once told by Darla (my big sis) that "Sade you talk a good game BUT your follow-through is the problem") ... she was RIGHT lol

 a) Procrastination: although I do work better under pressure, this isn't proper planning so i'll be trying my HARDEST to complete assignments BEFORE the last minute!

 b) Sense of Entitlement: I feel like people (professors) OWE me something!  I feel like i'm entitled to a study guide for every test, a warning before a quiz, a reminder about papers/test/etc BUT in reality i'm NOT entitled to anything more than what they give me!

c) Actually studying: I'm cocky and i think i know EVERYTHING ... so WHY study if I already know the information? ughhhh b/c I really don't? (nah that thought never dawns on me until the last minute) So this go around, i'm going to DO BETTER! I'll be setting aside "study time" and actually mute my phone and study!

3) Taking honest introspection and swallowing my pride and asking for HELP if i am failing in one of these areas.

I don't know how long it will take BUT as i've been doing, I will weather this (UNC) Storm BUT what I do know is:

I know He'll lead me safely to that blessed place He has prepared
But if the storm don't cease and if the winds keep on blowing in my life
My soul has been anchored in the Lord.

CHASE Your Dreams!

First of all, i want to kick this blog off saying CONGRATULATIONS to Dee Dee and Moneika, they are the NEWEST members of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc. I Love you both dearly! Thank You for being my friends :)

I tweeted last week: "A dream DEFERRED is NOT a dream DENIED.... your time will come!" and that statement applies to MANY areas in my life!  I have LOTS of dreams but the 1 I'm going to choose to focus on is GRADUATION!  EVERY year I've been in school there are SEVERAL obstacles that seem to prevent me from graduating! (and right now, I'm facing another .... MONEY smh) YET, instead of giving up on that dream, i fight! I fight EVERYBODY who thinks I'll never get out, i fight MYSELF for not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! God has something SPECIAL for me and i KNOW IT, I just have to make it through this season! I have to Persevere....

Speaking of persevere:

Persevere means to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly!

Moneika's line name is "Perseverer" and I honestly can't think of a better name for her! It's not my place to tell you her life story BUT I will share this:

It seemed as though she'd never wear a white coat ..... she has 1 now
It seemed as though she'd never wear Crimson & Creme .... she has it on now :)

One of the foundations of our friendship is: "The Struggle"

 "The Struggle" is KNOWING you have GREATNESS inside of you so you make a plan to achieve GREATNESS and NOTHING in that plan goes as planned! BUTTTTTTTTT Despite what it looks like you MUST  KEEP TRYING! You try a different venue, a different person, a different school, a different class, a different professor, UNTIL  you dreams come true!!!!

So, Thank You Mo for remaining persistent, thank you for letting me see your dreams come true :) I applaud your zeal and fervor in chasing your dreams .... I LOVE YOU!

So I'm writing this blog to encourage you all and myself....

if you have a dream, CHASE that dream- 

When you get tired, CHASE that dream- 

When people doubt you, CHASE that dream!- 

When you doubt yourself, CHASE the dream

A dream Deferred is NOT a dream DENIED ....... CHASE YOUR DREAM


 
 

I didn't know how to text this ...

So as the title suggest, I wasn't sure how to put this in a text so i'm just gonna blog from my heart.

Have you ever met someone and they just leave you with a lasting impression? You can't describe what it is about them... they just captivate you? 

[As a very flirtatious person] it's hard to tell if the person is flirting w/ you back OR if it's just onesided... Whether they are just flirtatious themselves BUT you're convinced you felt something so you step outside your comfort zone and persue them ... only to find out .... they weren't into you like you were into them .... 

it's weird really b/c i've NEVER been ""rejected" before until today BUT if I had to be rejected by anybody, it would be you!

Didn't know how to text this so there it is....

To, My Heart

Sincerely, Rejection