Live.

Greetings,


Normally, I like to keep my blog fun & entertaining while sending y'all some life lessons that I've learned HOWEVER, today I'm going to be more on the serious side.  Today's topic is about the GREATEST gift that God gives us, LIFE! 


April 8, 2007:
Less than a month ago, I buried my bday twin/cousin.  Less than 2 weeks prior, I buried my great-grandmother.  This day, the day our savior rose from the grave- I no longer wanted to live.  I had borrowed someones car & then locked the keys in the car.  Couldn't get a tow truck, campus police, carrboro police to open the door b/c it was Easter and the police "can't do it" because there was no imminent danger to a child.  The car was stolen.

April 9, 2007:
My purse was in the car, my wallet, my books for school, my life.  The other person's papers for work and class.  I remember walking around the corner where I left the car parked and seeing.... NOTHING but shattered glass on the ground.  I lost my breath! 
My grades were slipping, my cousin was gone, my great-grandmother was gone, my identity (wallet, purse, etc) was stolen.  More importantly, I could NEVER get that person's car back .... and it was my fault.
I was dropped off at Hinton James North, I was crying, I couldn't see out my own eyes.  The weight of the world was upon on 19 year old shoulders & the weight became unbearable...

I considered my options silently.   Would I buy a gun on Franklin street and shoot myself? Nah, I might end up in jail
Would I hang myself from my bed?  Nah, I'm short but I'm not THAT short
I needed something to take the pain away.
I walked into Hinton James North, with all intentions of never walking out...

I got to my room.  My suite mate tried to console me .... I told her to get out of my room & she left.
I took pills as I wrote a letter to the ones I loved the most.  I understood that I was about to commit was a sin BUT I didn't care.  I needed to tell my story, I needed to apologize b/c the car getting stolen was my fault.  I needed to provide my mom with the answer to "why"...

I got to pill #4, I was drowsy... the room was spinning... everything was unclear. 
I went to my suites mates room and sat down on the futon as she folded her laundry. 

*I remember bits and pieces of the rest*

I woke up with needles in my arms, doctors talking, my mother crying and my step father in the room.  They wanted to commit me to psych ward.  My mom begged them to let her take me home.  They refused.  I was put in a wheel chair & wheeled down a white hallway, my mom signing papers & crying.  I remember feeling sad.

April 10, 2007:
I woke up! They didn't have room on the psych ward, so they put me on the eating disorder floor.  I woke up to anorexic girls that knew that I CLEARLY wasn't there for the same reason they were.  My suite mate bought my clothes to the hospital. 

I spent 3 days and 2 nights of my life on suicide watch.  Supervised showers, no shoe strings in my timberland boots, all visiotrs had to have a code-word, nurses checked my vitals in the middle of the night, being pumped with anti-depressants, nurses made sure u swallowed your meds.  I was crazy!

It was in those 3 days my life changed, FOREVER.
I wanted to feel the sun in the spring, I wanted to touch the plants, I wanted to shower w/out being watched, I didn't want to HAVE to have "art time", "TV time", "quiet time", "group time" etc.

I wrote this blog b/c suicide is real.  I could have died that day in HJ North. Shoot, I wanted to die that day in HJ North. Someone that I know is struggling with wanting to live.  I am sharing my story in hopes that it will save you! 

I got my first tattoo b/c to me it represents Jesus dying and God raising him from the dead i.e. Easter.  I was as good as dead & God bought me back to life.

Cherish your life.  It gets hard, but enjoy the gift.  Smell the flowers, play in the snow, dance in the rain, feel life's highs & lows ... you're human and more importantly you're LIVING.

Live.Laugh.Love
- Uniqua