Sanity over Stardom

For those that don't know when I was a kid (like 5-9) I wanted to be a superstar!  I was in acting, drama, dance, arts,etc classes for those years.  *I would tell ya'll ALL about the "Lil Rascal" audition BUT I don't like the story PLUS if you contact my mom, she'll have NO PROBLEM telling you all about it -__-*

Moving on, For a while I would ask God WHY didn't He allow one of my auditions, plays, etc to win me some recognition and lead me to being a child/teenage superstar?????? I felt like with Stardom, I (nor my family) would struggle financially, I'd be set by now and would be able to "give back" to the world with my talent/money.

THENNNNN Today I had a revelation.  In lieu of all this Whitney Houston, Lindsey Lohan, & Chris Brown, stuff I realized .... I'd be CRAZY! 
Perhaps the reason the Lord didn't let me take that path is because He was protecting my sanity?  He didn't have drug addiction, piss poor money management, pornography addiciton, homosexuality, struggling with inner demons, vices & apetities in my PUBLIC/NATIONAL/WORLD testimony.  Sade wouldn't be able to handle interviews w/ Nancy Grace, Bill O'Riley, Perez, etc .... I don't do well with people asking me questions [that I don't want to answer] soooo I could see how I wouldn't know how to act with my life in the public eye.

So, I wrote blog for anyone who had/has dreams of becoming a star.  Sometimes that interview/audition didn't pan out because the Lord knows what the pressures of stardom will do to your life!  We all have our own lives to live and God does grant us the desires of our heart BUT you have to know yourself.  Let HIS desires/purpose/testimony for your life trump yours b/c the grass will forever look greener on the other side UNTIL you get over there and realize ..... it was food coloring ;)

FIGHT to find PEACE in His PURPOSE for YOU!

A Homeless Heart

Hello World!

Many of you know me to be a very vocal person and I typically have no problem letting people know how I feel when I have a disdain for something [someone].  However, many of you also know that I am on quest, a quest to become a better, more mature person.  This has been quite a challenge to hold my tongue in the "Internet realm" and not blog things like "forget that N*gga", "How to sue a hoe", etc.  I think I am justified in any stance I take towards this matter BUT as the Bible says, "All things are lawful for me BUT not all things are expedient".  So, since I'm on a quest to have peace in my life & be a peaceful voice in the lives of those around me, I'll refrain ;)

This blog is dedicated to those whom the economy has affected in the worst way... the homeless! 

I NEVER thought in a MILLION years that I wouldn't have a permanent address.  My job requires me to move A LOT so I would send my bank statements, tax forms, phone bills, car notes, etc to my "permanent address" aka my momma house.

We moved into 107 Cheney Ct. when I was in the 7th grade (I hated it b/c Garner was so far from everything) and it was my moms first house!  That house saw everything: bday parties, fights, graduation parties, whoopings, tears and every intimate moment a family could share in a 3 level, 4 bedroom home!

The house was foreclosed on Jan 17th. 
My heart hurts. 
So now my mother and my sister are homeless. 
No matter how many times I say it, it doesn't register for me. 

Part of my heart wants to move back to NC & figure out a way to take care of my family.  Part of me wants my step-dad to step up to the plate & do his job, considering they aren't divorced yet.  Part of me wants to fly them out to Iowa to live in my apartment.  My mind, heart, soul, are all out of whack.... there is a HUGE vacancy in my heart where "home" used to be... my heart is homeless!  My heart hurts & I cry nightly b/c the pain of hearing a 13 year old cry because she wants "to go home" will give you a new perspective on pain.  My mom is strong.  She was a single parent for 5-7 years, we lived in poverty when I was little, she's a gansta!  However, my sister ..... she was Daddy's Princess, shoot, she was the QUEEN!  Now, she's a beggar and I know the pains of fiction becoming a harsh reality.

So, I wrote this blog because I used to drive past the homeless man at the intersection of 54 and 55 in Durham & SMH.  I used to wonder what it's like for a family to live out of a hotel.  I would judge the homeless b/c I thought there was something THEY did that bought that lifestyle on themselves BUT now, I KNOW BETTER.  I could have been a series of unfortunate events that lead them to homelessness. 

I'm speaking out about this b/c when you see Sade or Wanda or Lafi, or Mrs. Smith & her 3 kids, Mr. Doe & his family ... we will probably be smiling, joking, facebooking, tweeting, etc but you NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN THEIR REAL LIFE!  This blog isn't for a pity party b/c I KNOW that this is just a test.  Without a TEST there is NO TESTIMONY sooo I'm ok w/ that.  More importantly when I am balling, I'll buy my mom 4 houses, 1 for each season if she wants...

I just want ya'll to understand that life can sometimes foreclose on your hopes, dreams,& promises.  Leaving a vacancy in your heart, mind, & soul.  So if you bump into someone who's homeless/heartless, don't judge them, LOVE & PRAY for THEM!

-A Homeless Heart

Happy

I know 1/2 of y'all don't care, but for those that do:

I'm happy!

I'm happy because I have some peace in my life.  My sister once told me that peace is precious!  The older I get, the more I understand!  I really value having peace of mind/spirit/soul/etc  I have learned to dislike living in chaos ESPECIALLY chaos that I've created for myself.  Every area of my life is not sorted out BUT I am at peace with where things are.  I have some serious inner demons that I'm fighting through BUT I am at peace because I know that God loves and cares about me regardless!

I'm  happy because I get to go home.  They say home is where the heart is, they ain't NEVA lied lol
I've missed EVERYONE, I've been out here in the Arctic BY MYSELF for 7 months & I CANNOT wait to come home :)

That's pretty much it, I'm happy and I know *claps my hands*

24

So at 12am, I turn 24 yours old!

Tonight really does begin a new chapter in my life.  I think the Lord is telling me that this will be a year of "firsts":

1) my FIRST time celebrating my birthday away from family/friends
2) my FIRST b-day not being able to go visit my cousin's grave (weird, I know BUT it gives me peace & makes me feel like we still get to celebrate together... don't judge me)
3) my FIRST time spending my birthday is a different time zone

This is ALL new to me!  Part of me is excited because it is a new leaf BUT the other part of me is scared. 
Scared of what is to come, what is my future?
Will I have to spend another birthday alone?
Will I EVER come to grips with losing my cousin?
Will I ever be able to forgive my step-dad?

I'm just a big ball of questions these days HOWEVER I know 2 things to be TRUE:

1) With older age should come growth & maturity and I'm going to take this time alone to really evaluate myself and my life so far.   Some of my past/present vices, demons, qualms, hiccups, etc need to pass away.  I think most of them I'll probably battle inwardly throughout life BUT others' are just my fleshly desires and honestly, sins that I like committing (don't judge me). 

2) The Lord loves me and wants what's best for me.  I saw a status from Sarah that said, "If God took the time to intricately design you then He cares about the things that intricately define you" <<< Sooo true!  It is hard for me to believe that even with my demons, vices, qualms and hiccups, the Lord still finds value in my life.  More importantly, He wants me to live this life to the fullest! 

In summary, (according to my facebook newsfeed) I feel like I should be married, or at least engaged, preggers, getting my masters, etc BUT The Lord is giving me peace about where I am, in His hands! 

I'm sooo Thankful for another year of life, Thank You Jesus & Happy 24th bday Sade Uniqua Gilbert

and Happy 29th birthday Nneka Talibah Sutton (gone but NEVER forgotten, I Miss & Love you soooooooo much cuzzo)

Compilations of my heart

Well since I've been in my feelings lately, might as well let y'all know what I've been listening too that's been keeping me there ... NOW before you play ANY of these songs LOL know that they put/keep me in my feelings SOOOO unless you're good as staying out of yours ... you should leave this blog... NOW lol

1st is Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith cover of "Thinking about you" ---

"People just say live in the moment, don't be scared.....Everyday that I don't see you, you're slipping away"

Anyway, I LOVE the original version & I also LOVE Bridgette Kelly version w/ Frank Ocean, you should yo youtube those...NOW

"Tell you I love you everyday and that'll never stop, They say that it's true love, but is love true? Yea I think it's love, that's why I found you"

.... This song is a PROBLEM! 

2nd
Drake "Doing it Wrong"
"So cry if you need to, but I can't stay to watch you, that's the wrong thing to do
Touch if you need to, but I can't stay to hold you, that's the wrong thing to do
Talk if you need to but I can't stay to hear you, that's the wrong thing to do
cuz you'll say you love me and I'll end up lying & say I love you too"

Ummmmm we all try to be the "good girl/guy" or the "Captain save a hoe" but the things is ... in the end "it's the wrong thing to do" b/c all we're really doing and giving the person hope and making them think there is a future between ya'll when that may not be reality.  So, going back to my poem from yesterday....Quit sending mixed messages, if you're done w/ a person- LET THEM GO so that they can LET YOU GO & MOVE on w/ their life. 

The wrong things to do:
-Send text saying you miss/love them, wish things could be different, etc ...
-E-mail poems, electronic cards, etc ....
-Call them to ask how they are doing & leave a voicemail

You think you're making it better BUT honestly, you're causing them more pain & it makes it harder to let u go #thatisall

3rd:

Beyonce "I'd rather go blind" - #1 You need to see Cadillac records to fully understand the pain in this song.

 #2 I can't think of stronger lyrics than "I'd rather be blind than to see you walk away from me", I feel like you can ONLY write lyrics like that IF you fully understand how you can love someone SOOO much and for SOOO long, that you don't even think you can ever see ANYONE, ANYTHING, ANY other person the same w/out them ... essentially leaving you BLIND!

"I love you so much that I don't want to watch you leave me, MOST OF ALL I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE FREE" --- "want to be free"???? this implies that you are CHOOSING to stay in bondage, entangled, in love .... WOW!

 

I'm not a psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, etc.  But I am human and I understand Love.  I understand what happens when you love someone & they don't love you back, anymore.... It can drive you insane!



Words from my heart

I loved you more
More than life
Deeper than the ocean
I loved you wholly
I was confused but I still loved no one but you
you entangled me,
made me compliant,
I was forced to bend to your will.
You made me fall in love with you
....
Then you left
Left me emotionally vulnerable
I can't love anyone else b/c I'm STILL too busy loving you
You made me dependent on "us"
then you abandoned "us"
.....
Now I'm nothing
I hear from you sporadically, always on your time
I hear from you when  you NEED something, or god forbid you need me
....
and what do I do?
....
I'm still waiting 4 you to love me again
Still standing here waiting for you
Waiting for Sade
Hoping that this impressionable young girl will eventually bloom
Waiting for you
Waiting for LOVE
....
The kind of Love that can save me from loving you
The kind of Love that can heal me from missing you
The kind of Love that can make me forget you
....
Looking for Love in all the wrong places ...
b/c if I'm honest w/ myself, I'm still
Looking for YOU!

The Deal

I sat here lamenting b/c I'm not going to be able to be in NC for my birthday (Nov 23rd) and Thanksgiving :(  I've NEVER spent a birthday away from my family & friends and I'm going through A LOT of separation anxiety.  Having a birthday dinner ALONE, makes me feel lonely.....

THEN I snapped out of it!

I reflected on where I was my last birthday.  I had my "Jordan Year (23)" and had NOTHING to show for it.  No degree, no "real" job, living paycheck to paycheck, drinking to soothe my pains, and praying that I could live a better life.  Praying that I could be a better person and provide for my family.

THEN I was presented with an opportunity...

To go on a quest, like the greek and roman gods, a quest to become who I'm supposed to be.  Leaving my sheltered world and meeting new people, seeing new places, & finding Sade.

I took the opportunity

Opportunity Cost: (I hated Econ 101 BUT I remember this lesson vividly) "The opportunity cost is also the cost of the forgone products after making a choice. Opportunity cost is a key concept in economics, and has been described as expressing "the basic relationship between scarcity and choice".The notion of opportunity cost plays a crucial part in ensuring that scarce resources are used efficiently.Thus, opportunity costs are not restricted to monetary or financial costs: the real cost of output forgone, lost time, pleasure or any other benefit that provides utility should also be considered opportunity costs" (Wikipedia). 

What does it all really mean?

I begged God to change me and change my situation.  He did!  I accepted His blessing.  I'm not doing "great" by any means BUT I'm networking, growing my financial portfolio,& expanding my resume.  So I'm doing BETTER than I was a year ago. 

He did His part BUT with blessings comes growth & maturity.  And there is ALWAYS a price to pay.  I accepted this price when I took "The Deal"  BUT living with it is totally different.

Anyway, I wrote this blog to let ya'll know, I am NO LONGER going to lament about not being in NC for my bday, Thanksgiving or anything else.  I'm where I'm supposed to be, ALONE.  On a journey to the depths of Sade.  I miss ya'll & I know ya'll miss me BUT what I'm gaining out here is far more than what NC had to offer me- I'm growing up!