Day 24 ... A grandma's love - Part 4

Day 24: Write a letter to your parent's

****This blog made me dig WAAAAAAY within to figure out exactly what i wanted to say and how***** 

I decided to break this blog down into 4 parts to each of my 4 'parents': my mom, my grandma, my biological father, my step father.

Dear Grandma

"Gloria, My Gloria, I don't want to see, Another day, without your Love" - Enchantment


I came to the realization the other day that you have to live FOREVER!!!!!! My grandma is my rock, she taught me how to read and to write, tie my shoes, how to spell, she taught me my 1st sentence (my first words were g-o, t-o, b-e-d) I think i owe her slightly for realizing how intelligent i was at such a young age :)

I am SOOOO proud of my grandma, she graduated from Fayettville State when she like 54 with a degree (and lived ON CAMPUS) and I'm still trying to figure out HOW lol Like why is school soooo "hard" for me but she took 21 credit hours her senior year and complete her degree program successfully smh

She's patient, tender hearted and believes deep down that people are good and look out for the best interest of other people ( I don't posses ANY of these attributes smh)

Thank You Grandma for ALL the things you've added to my life and lessons (good and bad) that you've taught me!

Consecration 2011 Wrap Up

Well as of, 12:30pm (roughly) Consecration 2011 is OVER :)

I'm all honesty, I plan on 

1) Listening 2 LOTS of j.cole and changing my radio station from the Light

2) going to the 1st drive thru (preferably Cook-Out)

3) Drinking some SODA and hope it doesn't burn my throat 

Now as far as consecration itself i learned SOOOO much about myself

1) I have GROWN a lot more as a person:  My moms and grandma always said "when you're grown you don't have to tell people.... they already know" and that is so true.  I don't have to broadcast that Ive grown and matured ... people should be able to tell from my conversations, statuses, poems, etc.  I'm trying to be BETTER but i have certainly experienced a LOT of GROWTH in the last 36 days :) Thank You Lord!

2) I have GOT to figure out which ministry at WOCC I'll be helping with!!!!! Faithfulness if a REQUIREMENT in the Kingdom and if I'm not showing myself faithful in some area of ministry then I'm just a "viewer" at Church and i desire to be a "server" ;) sooo a decision will be made ASAP!

3)  my prayer list still stands.   I'm still working on becoming a better person and I think I am WELL on my way with Much prayer and supplication.  So tho consecration is "over" i still plan on living a consecrated lifestyle b/c that's the ONLY way to hear from God regularly. And encourage you all to live a BALANCED lifeKeep Him FIRST! ..... There is nothing wrong w/ going to the club, playing spades, God wants us to have FUN .... BUT God wants to be 1st ... so YES spend 11 hours of your day doing what you want BUT spend the other 13 focused on God ....

4) life is SHORT.... I blog from my HEART so that if something does happen to me ... people will KNOW who i was and what i stood for!  It's my Internet diary and a healthy place of expression for me :) The Lord knows I'm still growing and i appreciate you all for growing with me :)

Clarification of Letter to my Step Dad

I'm not one to rewrite or disspell what people "think" about what i have to say about either of my parents BUTTTTTTT b/c I truly am concerned that when people read my words that they understand my HEART sooo i am going to clarify somethings:

 

1) DIVORCE: 

A- I am NOT upset that my parents are divorcing!  I think some people FAIL at marriage and this was the case, i think BOTH my MOTHER and my STEPFATHER are both EQUALLY responsible for a FAILED marriage!  My blog was NOT meant to make it seem like ONLY HE was to blame.  I lived with BOTH of them for 14 years and they provided a PERFECT example of the marriage I DO NOT WANT TO EVER HAVE!!!!!!

B- Clarification: I'm not upset with him for divorcing my mom, I'm upset with him for leaving the house in foreclosure KNOWING my mom doesn't have a job!

2) VIOLENCE:

A- A lot of people see my step dad as a mild tempered man BUT b/c I've lived with him for 14 years, I've seen him on some very ill tempered days! Now my mom is a handful and personally i applaud the man for living with her for 14 years, she is NOT mild tempered and certainly speaks her mind (that is where i get it from).

B- People say i never got my step dads side of the story HOWEVER i actually never got my mother's side of the story either ..... I GOT THE EYE WITNESS SIDE OF THE STORY who SAW him hit her soooooooo i do not "need" either of their sides of this story b/c there was an EYE witness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

3) mom never met you:

a- yes b/c she's met you, i now have a little brother and sister ... GREAT

b- If the PRICE of her knowing you meant = them coming into the world, me and my siblings having to witness a marriage fail, THEM having to go through this divorce WITH y'all .... then like i said ... I wish she never met him!  

**side comments*** 

A lot of people KNOW that i don't "care" for my step dad and i think when they read the blog they took it as me "slandering" his name .... I have NO REASON to lie .... this is FACTUAL information! This is MY account, NOT my moms, my brother, my grandmas .... MINE....

1) if my roommate writes and blog and says Sade is the MOST disgusting roommate EVER .... my best friend can't say to her; "oh, you don't know what you're talking about, etc b/c Sade's my best friend" .... why??? b/c my best friend DOES NOT LIVE WITH ME so she can't get a 100% account of how disgusting I am.... correct?

*** News Flash: I LIVED with him for 14 YEARS .... don't tell me that i don't "know" this man b/c he is your son, brother, dad, cousin, best friend, etc ..... YOU DID NOT LIVE WITH US and thereby you have NO IDEA what ACTUALLY went on in the confines of MY house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

2)  My mom: my mom is  VERRRRRRRRRRY difficult person to deal with ... IN FACT she and I bumped heads MORE than he and I did! There were SEVERAL times he had to diffuse arguments between my mom and I .... but guess what??? I didn't commit to marriage vows with my mom, now did I? I'm not married to Wanda, she my mom and i have NEVER painted her to be innocent b/c she is NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

3) Contrary to popular belief, i DO NOT hate him!  I have forgiven him and MOVED ON .... I'm a grown woman, paying my own bills, i do NOT live in their house anymore soooo i have NO motivation to "slander" is name .... if I hated him ... would I really have given all that background about why/when i Loved him? ..... Didn't think so!

4) my blog: When i first started this blog i said:

this blog is my space to express my unique thoughts, expressions, characteristics and opinions in a distinctive way, a way in which should signify to you the reader (listener) to pause and listen to my heart's cadence.

Now, a couple housekeeping rules:

1) I'm human! I'm Sade and NO I'm not always RIGHT! if you're looking for/expecting perfection ... look somewhere else!

2) NO JUDGING! The Bible makes it pretty clear; judge not, lest ye be judged!

3) this is MY life.... if you're in/have been/going to be in MY LIFE ... then expect to see your name AND/OR alias used ;) If you have a problem w/ it ... STOP READING in 5....4....3.... NOW!

3) let's just have fun! this is a learning experience for me and for you so put on your seat belts ... let's go!

and ..... these "rules" still stand #thatisall

... letter to my step dad ....: part 3 of Day 24

Let me start out and say, i LOVED my step dad!!!!!!!! My mom met him when i was like 5 & i was SOOO excited to have a DADDY!  I mean he couldn't move without me being there.  He would take me 2 the park, carry me in the house when i fell asleep in the car, read me books, take me everywhere and i loved him with all my heart for being my Dad! .... (until i was about 9) AND THEN MY WORLD CHANGED

I pissed off my cousin off 1 day and she got even by asking me how was it that i was born in 1987 BUT my "daddy" didn't get to America until 1991 ....(her point was to prove to me that he wasn't my dad ... and her point was proven) From that day on, he and I have had a rocky relationship ... i felt like my parents took advantage of the fact that i would believe ANYTHING when i was 5 and told me he was my daddy ONLY to find out it was ALL a lie.  My little brother wasn't MY brother ... he was my 1/2 brother and my little sister wasn't MY sister ... she was my 1/2 sister and I was NOT apart of their "happy family" b/c i didn't have a father!  So, after that day i never truly felt "apart" of him! I lashed out, i stole, i started failing my classes, i was a rebel b/c i was hoping that my behavior would make him leave!  But he didn't.....

Part 1:

I'm going to choose to focus on the positives that my step dad has added to my life 1st:


1) money: my step dad taught me how to manage money, acquire money, and save money


2) He taught me how to think rationally... he used to ask me 1000 questions about my motivations, thoughts, feelings, etc to show me that i shouldn't make decisions with my EMOTIONS (heart) but with my BRAIN!


3) he NEVER treated me like i wasn't his child... I've only heard him call me his step daughter ONCE, and i was like 8

4) he never did anything "directly" harmful to me ... he NEVER abused me, got drunk and drove w/ me in the car, called me names, stole from me <<< which is more than i can say for some people's fathers/step dads so for ALL of that I am EXTREMELY thankful

Part 2:

I can count on 1 hand the number of people  that actually "like" and look at their step-father as their dad .... *clap for them* b/c those men are in the upper eschelon of men in this society.


Real life:
Earlier I said that he NEVER did anything to directly hurt me HOWEVER there are a few things he did that will forever scar my memory of him:

1) Some say the BEST Father is one that loves the child's mother, SOOOO true and in this area he FAILED

Traditional Wedding vows read:
 I,____, take thee,_____, to my wedded _____, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance.

1) Last year my step dad divorced my mother! *insert my NOT shocked face*  My Mother fell in love with this man when he had NOTHING!  She was working 2 jobs and so was he trying to make ends meet.  She got promoted to manager and was making MORE money than him for years....  When i was in my teens he got laid off and was out of work for like 1 year and a 1/2.... Did my mom divorce him? NO she picked up a 2nd job!  So now it's 2010 and she's out of work (b/c of sickness) and he's been making more than her for about 5 years and what does he do ???? DIVORCE aka abandon her.... NOT only that, this man didn't pay for mortgage on the house for MONTHS so the house was in foreclosure and he decided NOT to tell anybody.  Not only did he abandon her, he TRIED to leave her homeless. (so much for "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health")

2) He put his hands on my mother ..... TWICE! ("to love and to cherish" ?????? is that right?) and I tell u what .... when i found out.... death almost did them part (if u catch my drift)

3) So though i applauded him earlier, his behavior over the last 15 years has caused me to say yes thank you for all you've added prior BUT if the COST of knowing you was 18 years of heartache .... I wish my mom never met u #thatisall. 

Day 24 .. part 2: O' Father Where Art Thou....Dear Daddy

I kind of wish that i could write a blog about how my father divorced my mom when i was 3 and never returned.  How he knew where i lived and never visited.  How he knows my phone number but never calls.  I would LOVE to write a blog about my dad that wasn't there BUT Sadly .... I can't!!!! This note to my father can be as blank as an unwritten blog and the empty spaces in my heart b/c ... I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.

Dear Dad:

The first word i think of when i think of you is.... EMPTY.  My life has been so empty without you :( There's a quote that asks "it is better to have love and lost, or to never have loved?" and I ALWAYS respond with "better to have lost" because at least you have experienced LOVE.  Same thing goes for my you dad.... I would rather have experienced you, loved you, hated you, cried about you missing my bday party, been upset b/c you got remarried.... than for me to have NEVER known you!

I think the most sickening part about never knowing you is thinking everyone IS you!  Wondering if my Linguistics professor that had the same mannerisms as me was you?  Questioning if the gas station attendant with my nose, is you?  Every time a person tells me they know a girl that looks just like me ... i ask myself "is that my sister?".  Everyday I wake up and meet new people, I'm slightly paranoid b/c that guy i met at the club, could very well be my brother!  It wouldn't be so bad if i wasn't conceived in Durham BUT Durham .... Durham ... Durham is LESS than 15 minutes away from Chapel Hill ... so EVERY TIME I crossover 15-501, 54,55... the light skinned man in the car beside me ... could be YOU!

I love you Dad and the hardest part is i WANT to hate you.  I want to feel some emotion towards you and blame you BUT I CAN'T!!!!!! I can't fully blame my mom b/c clearly she was 21 and did the best she could and I feel guilty EVERY TIME i bring you up in a conversation with her b/c i think that she wanted to be "enough".... enough of a mother to where I'd never feel the void of a father ... enough of a friend that i never miss being a daddy's girl ... enough of everything so i don't miss you ... but SHE CAN'T!  I think it saddens she and I b/c she knows and i know ... she'll never be able to be you or replace the influence (good or bad) you would have had in my life.  The void of me not knowing who you are has cost me MANY sleepless nights, wet pillows, low self esteem, and worst of ALL has made me feel the same way to God as i feel toward you at times .... NOTHING!

Confession:  A lot of people ask me "Why am i still a virgin/why am i waiting til marriage" and they assume it's b/c of religious reasons ... but the reality of it all is: I AM SCARED!!!!!!! I'm scared I'll do exactly what my mom did and end up pregnant and my child grow up not knowing it's father..... so i say no 2 sex b/c that's the ONLY way for me NOT to end up continuing this cycle.

One day I'm going to find you Daddy!  Once I have money to pay for an investigator, DNA test and all that good stuff!  I promise I'll find you dad BUT you gotta promise me that when i do ... you hold me for all the times i wanted a hug from you, kiss me until all my trust in man has been restored, cry with me, celebrate who I am, NEVER make me feel like i "ruined" whatever family you have now, and lastly, LOVE ME...

Consecration 1/2 way mark

sooooooooo I never expected for Consecration to be "easy" b/c nothing about telling your natural urges is "easy" HOWEVER I expected to last a little longer :(

I did good up until Thurs .... I ate at a drive-thru, worked the door @ a club on Sat night and went to a different club on Sun. night and I feel AWFUL!!!!! I wasn't reading my Bible daily, only praying twice (instead of 3) times a week... I need to SADDLE UP so I don't miss my BLESSING!!!!

I just want to encourage every1 who is struggling w/ different aspects of the Consecration.  Stay Strong and even if you've messed up ... just take it one day at a time and give God your BEST! Don't give up !!!!!!!!!!!

Consecration 2011

First of all, I am SOOOO excited about what God is going to do for EVERYONE during this consecration!!!! I have a prayer list and I am expected God to fulfil ALL the desires of my heart

Consecrate = to make or declare something sacred, to dedicate formally to a religious or Divine purpose.

Fasting = abstention from food, or some types of food, especially as an act of religious observance

  

Prayer = address to God: a spoken or unspoken address to God.

1) We should consecrate, fast and pray because Jesus did it.  Jesus went 40 days without food! (Matt 4:1-3)

p.s. Moses (Exodus 24:18 & 34:28), Elijah (1 Kings 19:8) also did 40 day fasts.

2) Jesus said that some "demons, ill/bad spirits can ONLY be removed via Fasting/Praying"  - Mark 9:17-29

So basically I'm fasting for the 1st 36 days days of the year (Jan.2 - Feb 6th) as a tithe to God saying, I'm turning down my plate, bad behaviors, etc as a sacrifice knowing that the other 335 days will be BLESSED!

Things to fast from: sexual activity, porn, smoking, alcohol, fast food, secular music, meat, cursing, lying, caffeine, coffee, sodas, sweets, twitter, facebook, and pretty much anything that you are addicted too!

-I'm not saying fast from all these things BUT let's say you are an addict of porn ... fast from it for 36 days and pray/believe that that addiction leaves you and it will!  So not everybody is fasting from the same things ... I tailored my fast to help me overcome my addictions:

Sade's Consecration:

No:

1)Fast Food (I won't eat anywhere that has a drive thru)

2) Soda (only drinking water and juice)

3) secular music (only listening to gospel)

4) sexual activity, lying, cursing, smoking are all a given for me!

Yes:

1) Praying 3 times a day

2) Reading my Bible at least once, daily

3) work-out at least once a week

*** So I'm denying myself of the No's and filling myself spiritually with the Yes's and then placing a prayer request list before God to come in and move on my situations during the consecration***

Prayer Request:

1) graduation : issuing me with all the strengthen i need to complete my mission @ UNC-Ch

2) Becoming a better person: Forgiveness, no Lying, no deceit, not being selfish, sharing more, complimenting people more, judging people less, picking on people just because

3) God shows me what's my next move after i graduate, what state/city i should move too

4) God shows me what ministry to join at WOCC (I've been going there for 4 years and still haven't used my talents for the church and i want to be lead as to which area of ministry i should join)

5) speaking in tongues (I've been wanting to do this since i was 15 ... it's a language that the enemy cannot decipher... it's like a special language between me & God)

6) God helping my mother during her divorce and restoring the mental health of my mom, brother, and sister post the divorce!

7) God just blessing my family members!

*** so as stated, I'll be praying 3 times a day of these things but feel free to post your prayer request as a comment and I'll add that to my list of things to pray for for you!***